consequences

So they've decided we're going to have some sort of meeting on Friday about the situation of my fuck-up.  I think I'll be officially reprimanded/disciplined in some way.

Unfortunately, this can't happen until Friday, as my line manager only does 1 day a week (one of the many classic ridiculous situations my company seems to generate).  I've therefore been quite stressed with it all.

My personality type is one of those that focuses on the negative.  I do my best to change my thinking patterns and not to dwell, but it's quite difficult.  Particularly, I think, given my life is quite a solitary one - my hobbies are generally ones that I do on my own.  I understand having more "RL" stuff in your life is quite helpful in helping you get perspective on things.

Anyway, point is I've been quite worried.

Last Thursday, when it happened, I was actually worried that I may get the sack.  I am not quite as scared of this as I was then, but I think it is still a possibility.

A big part of the problem really is that the boss managed to make a massive mess out of it.  Now I was the root cause of that mess, so I have blame, but a way to think about it is if my boss basically punched one person (normal person level reaction) versus dropping a 50 megatonne "Tsar Bomba" on a city.  That therefore escalates the slice of shit I'm required to eat.

See, part of the problem is we should never have been fucking bidding this in the first place.  There were numerous points were they'd said "If x does/doesn't happen then we'll no bid".  Every single one of those happened, yet we kept going.  We also received several other pieces of information that meant we should not have bid, but of course that didn't stop us.

I therefore think my boss seized on this as a way to get the competition pulled, so my boss leapt straight in with heavy boots and of course, it became a giant mess.  Now there is a whole strand of argument as to quite what this really achieves - if you want to piss a customer off, getting their competition cancelled is a pretty good way to achieve it, but that's a bit beside the point.

What is the point is that I'm sick of working here.